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My wife, Denice, is a good person. She loves Jesus, and has a heart for the elderly and children. She hates to see people in need or hurting. She knows how to love.

Denice has been hurt in the past, yet she holds no unforgiveness or hate for anyone. She has forgiven sins against her that some would label as unforgivable. This proves real strength and maturity of character. She is an inspiration to me.

Denice is honest. She is the most forthcoming and real person that I have ever met. When we first met, she laid herself bare before me, not even knowing how I would react. She shared the intimate secrets of her life with me. It was on that first night, that I knew that she was the one for me.

Denice is a person of great intelligence. She has an ability to learn and understand that eclipses my own, even though she doesn’t think so. She remembers things that I often forget. I would probably be lost without her. I know without a shadow of a doubt that she could do absolutely anything that she set her mind to do.

Denice thinks for herself. She does not go along with the crowd if she knows that they are wrong, no matter how popular the dogma. She is not afraid of parting company with the sheep, even though she knows they will mock her for it. She will try her best to lead them away with her before the poor souls meander blindly through the slaughter house doors.

Denice is determined. When she knows what she wants, she will fight for it, and not give up. I have seen this in our struggle to get in shape. When ever we stumble, it is always her who makes sure that we get back on track. Without her, I would probably weigh 500 pounds right now.

Denice loves animals. She took in a homeless beagle, who was starving and at death’s door, and nursed him back to health. Now, he is a healthy little hound dog. I love the compassion she has. It is one of her best qualities.

Denice has a beautiful voice. She sings in the church choir, and is really good. She has the voice of an angel.

Denice is a true friend. Heck, she is my best friend. She is always there for me. She loves to just hang out with me. She is fun to play board games with. She even lets me win occasionally. And she always defends me when people talk smack about me. She’s got my six.

Denice has a good sense of humor. She laughs at most of my jokes. She usually slaps me upside the head for the ones that cross the line, but that’s ok. Sometimes I go overboard with the comedy, and need to be set straight. Over all though, she thinks I’m pretty funny.

Denice gets me. She understands me more than any other person on the planet earth. I have shared things with her that I have shared with no other human being. Sure, she has a lot of blackmail dirt on me, but that’s all the more reason not to tick her off. Kidding.

Denice has mind powers. Well, sort of. She seems to know what I am thinking or feeling without me even telling her. She says that she is reading my body language, but I think she is secretly scanning my brain. This is really cool. I wish I could do it.

Denice is absolutely beautiful. I know some people might think it’s shallow of me to recognize this, but I can’t help it. She is hot! She has beautiful blue eyes, and golden blond hair. I love everything about her body. She has soft, smooth skin, and curves that drive me insane. She smells good all the time, and is just plain easy to look at.

Denice is crazy and adventurous! Once, she went with me on a totally pointless and long quest to find a place called “Toad Suck.” I can’t even remember what state we were in, but we passed an obscure sign on the side of the road that said “Toad Suck, next exit,” so she went with me to find this mysterious place. We ended up getting lost for a few hours, but we eventually found it. And it really did suck too. It was the lamest place in the world, but finding it was an awesome adventure that we shared.

Denice loves children. I know that she will make a really good mother one day, because she loves kids, and is really good at taking care of them. She wants to be a mother more than anything in the world, and I know that when the Lord blesses us with ours… she’ll be the best.

And finally… Denice chose me. When I proposed to her, she said yes. She didn’t have to, but she did. She put all her trust in me, and accepted me as her husband. More than any other reason, I love my wife because she is mine. God gave her to me, and me to her. I wouldn’t have it any other way!

Happy Anniversary Baby!

As I was taking out the garbage this morning, I noticed something strange, laying in the grass. When I got a little closer, I realized that it was a frickin arrow. Apparently, our neighbor from across the alley has been doing a little target practice… and we’re in the line of fire!

This guy has been a nuisance since day one. I think he is some kind of city dwelling, neo-hillbilly. No offence against any neo-hillbillies. I like hillbillies, as long as they are not shooting arrows at me.

This isn’t the first time this has happened. Last year, my landlord found a crossbow bullet in our front yard. He told me that he went and talked with the guy, but I guess he failed to get his point across.

I don’t know this guy’s name, so for clarity’s sake, we will call him ‘Billy Bob.’ Billy Bob sets up his targets so that he is basically shooting at our back yard. He uses a compound bow and a crossbow, both of which are deadly weapons. Anyone who knows us, knows that we don’t have a problem with weapons. I think everyone should be armed with something. We live in a dangerous world. What I do have a problem with though is people that are irresponsible and reckless with their weapons. Billy Bob lives in a state that has thousand of acres of uninhabited wilderness, in which he could hone his archery skills, but instead he chooses to do so in a densely populated area.

When I was showing Denice the arrow, she told me about how she once observed Billy Bob skinning a dear in his back yard. And that’s fine. Hunting is necessary activity in preserving the deer population, which has a tendency to over populate if they are not kept in check. Well, she went on to tell me that when his wife and daughter came outside and approached him, he yelled at the to, “Get the F@$%! away from me!” Needless to say, I have no respect for a man who would speak to his loved ones that way.

Bottom line, if our landlord doesn’t deal with this guy, I will. And if I find another arrow in our yard… someone’s going to get one stuck where the sun doesn’t shine.

It was about four o’clock in the morning, on a cool and peaceful night. I was sound asleep, next to my beautiful wife, Denice. Little did I know that our peaceful slumber was about to have rude awakening… of the insect kind!

At some point, during the night, a tiny intruder had infiltrated our bedroom. Creeping from shadow to shadow, the six legged assailant made his way to my sleeping wife. Denice awoke to the strange sensation of tiny feet on her bare skin. In the darkness, she panicked, and screamed at the top of her lungs! The loud shriek sent me flying out of bed, almost involuntarily. I clamoured around in the darkness, trying to figure out what the threat was. All I heard was Denice saying over and over, “Something was crawling on me!” I turned the light on, to search for the attacker, and Denice fled out of the room. I informed her that I didn’t see anything, and asked if maybe she was dreaming. Offended, she went and got a flashlight, and demanded that I search again. That was when I saw him.

Under the dresser, I came face to face with the unholy terror. It was a fricking Water Bug! I burst out laughing. My wife was hyperventilating and freaking out over a good sized, but harmless Water Bug. I continued to laugh, which I don’t think she appreciated the humour of it. If fact, she considering the idea of sleeping on the couch, to which I replied that there were probably bigger bugs out there. This freaked her out even more.

It was really late, and as funny as the whole situation was… I wanted to go back to sleep. I did my best to explain that Water Bugs were not dangerous, but I don’t think she cared. In fact, she was so creeped out that she said she wanted to move. I told her that bugs were everywhere, and she should be thankful that we didn’t have rats. This didn’t comfort her very much. Finally though, she conceded to go back to sleep, in spite of the insectoid threat that lurked about in the shadows. I don’t think she got a lot of sleep though.